the amazing adventure of man spider

worried this is a little bit long for you all to bother with – perhaps i will edit it

*

Hmm, I thought, I feel a bit funny.

Perhaps it was something I ate, I thought, as I negotiated my way up the ivy. Maybe it was that wasp. I normally stick to flies. It was kind of tangy. I avoided the stinger, of course. Then again, it could have been that huge man I found dead on the lawn. I had eaten little pieces of his flesh, nothing major, just a few things. The blood that pooled out from his head was the same colour as the grass, maybe a bit more luminous. I was sure that shouldn’t be the case. Maybe he wanted to see a doctor about that. Well. It was a bit late now.

I don’t really know what a doctor is. But he should have seen one. I am certain of it. Somehow.

As for me, well, I think I could use a psychiatrist. To fix my head. I could recline my legs into my body on a silken couch he wove just for me and just talk about these thoughts. I’m not used to having thoughts. I’m more used to eating flies and building webs and stuff. That used to be enough for me. Just, lately…

I dunno.

It’s odd. It’s like these thoughts are too big for my head.

I decided now I was high enough, so I dropped down on a thin sinewy thread and began spinning for the morning’s catch. It was probably best to numb it out with good old fashioned work. It was more or less going to be your standard hexagon shape. I’m not pretending to be a pro but I do a little bit of DIY, you know, a little bit of design around the web, I try and take some pride in it. I was thinking of going to Ikea and getting myself some cutlery for next time I wrap up a still-buzzing fly in thread so I can eat pieces of it whenever I’m hungry. It’s nice to put something on for the guests.

“Alright?” said a thin, raspy voice, and I saw Charlotte’s dark figure, her round abdomen glinting a seductive red, her long legs splayed out as always, showing off.

“Evening Charlotte” I said. She was a black widow. I didn’t want to get too involved. I’d heard stories.

“Nice hexagonal web you’ve got going.”

“Cheers. I figure it’s always best to stick to a design you know works; no point being adventurous with octagons, nonagons, all of that.”

She looked puzzled. “Yeah. So, I was thinking, how about we mate? I could do with laying some eggs, you know.”

“Charlotte, don’t you ever think there’s more to life than mating and eating flies?”

Most of her eyes looked at me. “Like what?”

“I dunno. Truth. Beauty. Finally doing something about those fucking sparrows.”

“They come, they eat. What can we do but run and hide, and rebuild tomorrow?”

“That’s what I mean. There’s nothing permanent in this world. It’s like even this hexagonal web –

“ – lovely, by the way – “

“ – thankyou – is just temporary. I’m thinking about an extension, a patio, a little furniture, maybe a leaf to recline on here and there, a bit of soil for effect, and…”

“James, what are you talking about?”

“Just…it’ll be gone tomorrow. It makes me wonder why I bother.”

“Because you must eat.”

“But tomorrow I will be hungry again.”

“So tomorrow you must eat again” she rasped impatiently. “Are you going to mate with me or not, anyway? I’m feeling hun—erm, horny. You arachnid Adonis. Take me now.”

I sighed. “I wouldn’t want to bring younglings into a world such as this.”

“For fuck’s sake James. Grow a pair.”

I wasn’t sure I even had a real pair, never mind a metaphorical pair. I had never thought about it much before, and now that I was feeling so nihilistic I didn’t want to think about it. Charlotte disappeared up into the sky.

Once she was gone I had an idea.

I don’t know where it came from.

I scuttled across the garden quickly toward the dead human and – this might sound unbelievable, but I swear – picked up one of the pieces of broken bottle from near his head. It was big. I felt really stupid, like a spider pretending to be an ant. I know. I told you I was feeling funny. But I picked it up between the mandibles and looked at it with all my four eyes, hardly believing what I had done, and the next thing you knew, I was up in the ivy again.

And then – I promise you – I began to saw at the leaves with the sharp edge. It sounds like it should be difficult, but really, it came naturally, as though I had somehow gained all the abilities of a human. Maybe it was to do with drinking that fluorescent grassy blood; at first it has tasted funny and hurt my mouth and made me feel ill, but now, well, it was pretty handy. The small pieces of leave fell from high up on the ivy down into my web. There was hardly any wind and after a while I had sawed so many leaves you could hardly see the silver threads at all. This, I thought, would get me a feast. If I even wanted one. What was the point, after all, I thought, leaning my exhausted dark body against a leaf to rest before the day came.

When the sun woke me I was groggy at first. I heard a hiss in the distance and the usual birdsong hullabaloo. I wanted to go back to sleep, to crawl under the leaf and not worry. My web felt heavy, as though it were about to break. But the hiss came again louder.

“Help!”

The entire plant shook as the sparrow fluttered past. It was pecking and pecking above me.

“Charlotte!” I cried out.

“James! Help!” she hissed across the air. The sparrow pecked at her web, blinded momentarily by netting across its eyes.

“I’m coming Charlotte!”

I scuttled up the wooden parts of the fence, nearer the end of the garden than the house, and gripped a splinter piece in my mandibles.

“Hey! Birdbrain!” I shouted. It twittered and sang like the mad psychopathic beast it was and swooped at my legs. Charlotte was hidden in a leaf; I could see her but she was safe. It went for me instead, its heavy wings flapping against me. I nearly fell, but determined not to, I ran straight at it and jammed the splinter into its breast.

It bled a satisfying red and fluttered madly around, wings flapping everywhere. Charlotte’s web was all but destroyed by it. I just missed being impaled by its evil talons and scuttled up the ivy.

“Come on!” I shouted. The bird was enraged.

“My web!” she shouted, lamenting the loss of a few flies when her entire life was in danger.

I ran on without her, inching along an overhanging leaf above the bird, bungeeing off the end. I landed more or less on its head. I sank my teeth into the bird’s neck. It let out a piercing cry and flew sharply to the left, but I held on until it hit the windowpane and fell, limp, to the ground. I ran quickly across open ground, exposed, into the soil and straight up the fence, hoping that it was the only bird in the area.

“James!” Charlotte said to me. “My hero!”

I wondered if I was too spider to blush.

“You’re incredible! It was going to k–It’s as though you’ve all the powers of a hu-man! A human spider!”

“Thanks, Charlotte. Any time!” I said.

“But my web…”

“It’s alright” I said to her. “I’ve caught a caterpillar.”

“A caterpillar?!”

“Yes.”

“But h-“

“Don’t you worry how.”

“But you didn’t even build a web!”

“Actually,” I said, feeling smug, “I did.” And I lead her to it, covered in leaves and stones. The caterpillar looked terrified at us. “Please,” it said, “please…”

But we set about binding it up ready to eat, so that it would keep. It was huge and would take us days and days.

“We are going to be two fat spiders!” I said happily.

“Do you mind,” Charlotte asked quietly, “If I sleep here tonight? With you?”

“Not at all,” I said.

Something brushed me in the dark.

“James…”

“Ch—charlotte?” I whispered.

“I want you, James.”

“That wouldn’t be right” I said. “I saved your life, that doesn’t mean you have to…”

“..but I want to, James.”

“But…but with powers like mine, using tools and thinking and stuff like that, you have to…”

“Shhhh” she said

“…comes great responsibility…”

“Shhh.”

“Charlotte, I…”

“It’s OK, James.”

I felt her legs wrap around my abdomen and head. I tried to struggle away.

“James,” she breathed.

“Charlotte…”

“I don’t like eating caterpillars, James.”

“What do you m—“

“But maybe our children will.”

I felt her teeth sink into me, and from the sharp rush of pain and I tried to scream. I flailed my legs around but it was no use against her. She bit again and I felt the world begin to slip away.